my guitar gently weeps

I want love that is forgiving.

“Is the bed cold?”
“Yeah, sharp sheets,” he said bouncing his legs under the still cold covers like a little kid.
“We need to go old school Eskimo—you know that right?” she was standing in front of the foot of the bed with a grin on her face.
“What are you talking about?” he said suddenly suspicious of her.
“Yup, come on,” she hit his foot and motioned for him to get back out of bed, “I read a book once where a girl was trapped out in the winter wilderness and the way she kept warm at night was to dance around her fire until her body was so warm and then you get into your sleeping bag, it warms it right up.” At this point she started to shimmy slightly and dance a little,
“Oh no,” he said putting his hands on his hips
“Oh yes, come on, we’ll be like little space heaters” she was now dancing more full bodied and spinning around the room.
“What are you dancing too? I can’t think of any songs,” she stopped thunder-clapping and looked at him again starting to pulse to a slower beat while focused on him.
“Don’t make me do it,” she kept getting closer,
“What?”
“I’ll do it,”
“Do what,”
“That’s it!” she was standing right in front of him and began clapping to the same beat she had been walking in and then she leaned in to him, “I want to hear that funky dixi land, pretty mama come and take me by the hand,” Without hesitation and seemingly unable to prevent it he began dancing to her beat and chimed in with,
“by the hand—by the hand—pretty mama” and they continued to just cycle that small rift over and over while they danced around the room laughing. Laura and George smiled to themselves to hear them laughing and jumping around in their room, they knew that the egos of these kids couldn’t stop them from loving each other. Now the only question was how long it would take to actually realize the love again.
Marie was still clapping and Matt was rocking all the parts to the song by himself
“Celebrate, celebrate—oh look it works for all Three Dog Night songs,” and they started laughing until they realized they were out of breath. “Ok now!” Marie laughed and they both scrambled for the bed. They entered from different sides of the bed but both went to the middle and embraced each other still panting and laughing from their dance. Finally Matt let out a deep breath and settled in to their new warm bed to sleep. Without lifting her head from his chest Marie said quietly,
“I am sorry Matt.”
“I know.” he said rubbing her back.

I want love that won't go unnoticed.

“You couldn’t have known,”
“But I did know, there was a reason that I hadn’t seen him in so long; a reason why I can’t be around him.”
“Yeah, but Jen, it’s not your fault that he freaked out; he has no claim to you, and I’m here and I won’t let him hurt you anymore.”
“Well, there’s a reason I can’t be around you too.” she said shortly, his body language immediately became defensive and he looked a little hurt. “Jeff I’m sorry,” she said more gently, “but we both know that me coming on this trip may have seemed like a good idea at some point but now it’s not such a good idea.” He softened again remembering that he was as sad and worried about their situation as she was.
“Jen, I am glad that you’re here, I’m so happy you’re here.” he said as supportively as he always did. He reached his arms up to hug her, but she shook her head and took both of his hands in hers. She held them down at their sides as she stepped against him with her mouth pressed against his head next to his ear.
“Jeff this is me trying,” she whispered as tears fell from her eyes again, her chest raised and lowered with large painful breaths and she leaned against him for support. “I go to your arms now, and it will hurt too much to leave them again.” breathing in through a stuffy nose she kissed his cheek fast and desperately, “I’m sorry, but I can’t do it right now.” She released his hands and pushed past him wiping her eyes.
She wandered towards the front of the cave and picked up the few things that she had originally taken to the bathroom with her. With her hand on her head she spun back around,
“Joey, come on we’re leaving,”
“Jen wait, please, I can’t loose my best friend—you know that I’m already in too deep with Heather to just back out, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be in each other’s lives.”
“Of course I know that but do you? Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I’m trying to control how I feel you’re there making it hard to believe I have to. And I do want to be in your life, you’re the best friend I have right now but if I fall to you all the time, it gets too hard to walk away.”
“I just want you to feel as safe and loved as I do when I’m around you.” he said quietly. She walked back over to him and they stood with their heads together,
“I do Jeff, I do.” he put his hands on her shoulders and rubbed her arms for comfort. Their heads moved together tenderly; her cheek feeling his rough skin and soft hair, tears still fell from her eyes.
“Please don’t cry,” he said pulling his head back slightly, his hands came up to the sides of her face and his thumbs smoothed out the few stray tears on her cheeks. She raised her hand onto his and then turned away.


Love you can talk about, and fight about.

Shaking off snow and tearing away layers they panted in the mud room and began to recover from the hours of labor they had just accomplished. The second his outermost layer was off Matt immediately walked past Marie and back upstairs to the room. Marie let her arms clap her sides in frustration when she heard him slam the bedroom door.
“Oh honestly,” she said turning on her heels and following him up the stairs. She opened the bedroom door without knocking and slammed it behind her once she was in.
Matt didn’t even turn around.
“God damn it Matt! What do you want me to say?” she started pulling at the sweatshirt she still had on, she was roasting hot with anger and work.
“Marie, I want you to say that this is a joke, that you haven’t been living with my parents for the past half a year when I didn’t even know about it.” He yanked a sweater off. “I want you to say that you’ll see me on Monday like every other student; not that you’ll see me at my parents house, or that you’ll miss me. I don’t want to hear that, I can’t hear that! It’s my job not to hear that from you!” she had stripped down to a t-shirt and was pulling at her flannel socks, he had his shirt off and sat down to get a pair of sweatpants off, “I want you to say that no one else is going to hear about this.” He paused, “and that you only think of me as your professor.” Forcing her fingers across her scalp of sweaty hair still knotted up in a tiny ponytail, Marie’s frustration with the situation increased.
“Matt, I cannot take back the time that I have spent here, and I apologized for not telling you—I did, and I will do it again; I’m so sorry.” She was still hot and pulled off her sweaty t-shirt to reveal a sweat soaked sports bra underneath, “But I didn’t know that you would ever know me beyond my last name. I didn’t know that this would be come and issue and if I were to stand here and tell you that five months ago I knew this would get so out of hand, I would have told you. But there was no way either of us would know. And now? Now, I’ve said I’m sorry, but I cannot look you in the eye and tell you that I look at you and see only a professor, only a colleague; I just can’t.” He saw her standing there, her upper body glistening with sweat along the length of her strong frame. T-shirt still in hand she walked closer to him. “And you can sit there and tell me you feel nothing, but I know you do. But I don’t know what to do from here.” Her eyes looked to him for some sort of response.
He stood before her wearing only basketball shorts and as sweaty and exhausted as she was. Slowly he walked next to her, letting his shoulder catch on hers for a moment as he paused and said coldly to her,
“Marie, to me there is no where to go from here because there is no us. There is a teacher and his student, a man and a woman, but no us.” He continued walking past her to the door.
“No, no, so fine there is no us, there can’t be and I understand that. But I do not believe you if you think that these last few months have meant nothing to you.” She turned to face him, not daring to reach out to him she still got as close as she could, her head next to his and their bodies almost touching “that when we’re this close to each other your heart isn’t beating against your ribcage.” Without changing their distance he replied,
“My heart will always beat but it can only beat for someone it trusts. You broke my trust Marie.”
“And I’m sorry.”
“We’ll both be sorry if we try to keep this up.” He pulled away quickly and walked into the bathroom closing and locking the door behind him. Twisting the shirt in her hands she nodded a little to herself and left the room.

Burning love.

“Jen I,” she sat up and looked at him already knowing this was hard to say, “Jen, I’ve been up half the night and I keep trying to talk some sense into all of this,” she moved against his knees and took one of his hands in hers. This made him smile almost painfully, “but I just keep coming up with I love you too,” Slowly she brought his hand to her mouth and kissed the top of his hand. The she lowered it back to his lap and rose up on her knees bringing their heads together. “I’m sorry,” he said to her, still whispering.
She immediately began to gently shake her head.
“No,” she whispered kissing his temple, “No,” she kissed behind his ear, “Never be sorry for that, never,” Her arms grasped him around his shoulders, one hand clutching his neck. Jeff held her up around her waist clenching her to his body. Letting go of everything that had held her back before, she kissed him deeply and passionately.

But this is not love, i'm letting go of these ideas these illusions. I need to learn to express my passion and emotion, not scribble it in blank books. I second: I love the person I'm becoming, I'm just scared no one will want to share everything in this life with me. But we're young. There's time.
But none of this is real love. I'm giving up on these ideas