I hate that I dwell in these romantic relationships that never quite take off. 

I want so much to find the love of my friends enough. 

But I wonder, how long do I have to nurse this broken heart before it can be sated again? 

How long do I have to stand this feeling? 

I've been thinking a lot about my poor timing-- I seem to meet people when we're both already mid-stage in our lives. That is to say that if I were to meet them a few years earlier, a few months earlier, we could be happy. Instead of perpetually being stuck in the situation of "I could make you happy-- if you weren't already". 

I try to take comfort in the fact that when I do meet someone at that point we both will be so tired of it all, there will be no bullshit; we'll fall into the safety of each others thoughts and arms. And until then I won't apologize for loving anyone, I can't punish my heart and I have to stay open. 

But it's so lonely sometimes. And it hurts every time. So much. 

And this time I'm 300 miles away from the people who love me and have the miraculous ability to pick me up every time. And I miss them. So much. Because tonight when I lay down, I won't sleep [I never do very well,] but if we were all together they would get me wasted on tequila and we would laugh until we were so hung over it would be only sleep that makes sense. 

Blissful sleep. Blissful loving.